Dear Joanne,
How I keep plants alive:
Step 1: Buy plants that don't need much attention.
Step 2: Don't give the plants much attention.
There's
a plant in my bedroom with black, shriveled leaves on one side. I
thought, "That's not normal."** I realized it was right next to my
kettle and that I had the spout of the kettle pointing to the plant. I
accidentally cooked the leaves on one side of the plant. Whoops.
For
the record I've had this plant for years. Her name is Lucy. She's a
peace lily. I have another peace lily named Violet and then another vine
plant with no name but I can basically drown it and it stays alive.
Maybe I'll name that one Joanne. Hopefully its steadfastness will be a
kind of plant karma to you.
On second thought, kill the plants.
Eat them. Let their verdant souls fortify your conquering spirit.**
Healthy
eating is barbed with discomfort.** Veggies don't seem so great. When
we eat them, we become hungry again for something just as or more
caloric than our original option. Our huge, hungry brains are programmed
to see plants as less desirable than cookies.
What do you do with that?
Everyone
is comparing notes, looking at structures and solutions to eat
perfectly all day every day. The best, they say, is three square meals.
Or is it 6 small meals? Snacks at no more than a hundred calories? Put
peanut butter on rice cakes it's so filling! Oh my god what a great
idea! (um. no.)
 |
| Coworker brought me a doughnut!!! |
How do I eat? My body likes to eat the most caloric things in the morning and at lunch.**
This is where you'll catch me eating 4 cookies. After 5, I hardly eat anything, just fruit, veggies. I
basically go gluten-free vegan after 5 on weeknights. It sucks, but I
get really bad indigestion if I eat too late.**
Other
considerations: I work out a lot and I find that I'm not eating enough
(accidental weight loss is a THING?!?!?!?!) and certainly not well
enough to power my body through all the rigors I put it through. I don't
go grocery shopping a lot and I don't want to make time to cook a nice,
big dinner.**
In summary: I don't
know what I'm doing.** I've never been athletic before, so there's this
whole world of body and fuel that I'm only learning now.** My normal
personality is to do tons of research and go all-in (like when I cut
hydrogenated oil, palm oil, and refined flours or the time I went
vegetarian), but again, I am mother-fucking 28. I am not new at dieting
or eating. So why do I need to trust someone else's opinion? Some of the
stuff beautiful gym babes and hard core runners post is...absurd. I
can't live that way. It's bad enough I suck down chia seeds in my water
in the morning (calcium! good fats!) or that I eat a pound of fruit
after I run (SUGAR, vitamins).
I've managed to survive into my old age by learning to just to listen to my body.** I tend to crave foods I need badly.**
For example, last month I was severely lacking in electrolytes. I saw
bags of chips in the grocery store and thought, "Oh my god, yes."** So I
bought a bag of salt and vinegar kettle chips and damn near ate the
whole thing. I don't usually crave chips, so that was weird. I noticed
that had been getting nausea and headaches after drinking water, and I
remembered a runner friend telling me to salt the water I drink during
long runs, so I drank a couple sodas (yuck) and when I
decided that was horrible, I just added salt to my drinks. That was
weird. But it worked. Salt your watermelon juice, kids. It's delicious.
 |
| watermelon plus salt plus blender |
HOW TO EAT MORE VEGGIES
Tip
1: Let your body adjust to eating more plants! Your body doesn't know
right away how to digest what you're putting into it. That's why you
feel empty an hour after you eat a salad.** You can go hard, eat nothing
but veggies and fruit and suffer for 2 days. Or you can just start
adding veggies/fruit to your normal diet.
 |
| Repeat after me: "I'm sorry to hear about your flatulence." |
Tip 2: Start small. "I will buy 10 vegetables and make a delicious salad!"
LOL. No, I won't. That's too much commitment.**
I
have vegetable soup in my fridge right now. I'm not sure how/when I'll
eat it. I have to think of it as chunky tomato juice or something. Maybe
I'll add vodka and Worcester sauce and attack with celery stick.
 |
| Looks meh, tastes good** |
The entire jar of soup is less than 500 calories. I can eat it all in one sitting.
I'm tired of eating now, I don't want to do it, you can't make me!**
Maybe that's how I accidentally lost 5 pounds.
Tip
3: Look for the most delicious veggies and fruits. If you are excited
over the freshness and beauty of something, you're more likely to eat
it.** Look for them in season. Bland, out-of-season fruit is NASTAY.**
They often look better than in-season fruit, so watch out for beautiful,
bland fruit!** I think bland fruit is a crime against humanity.
Tip
4: Think of ways to make fruit/veggies appetizing. This takes a lot of
searching. Like I LOVE roasted beets and sweet potatoes, but I don't
like waiting for them to roast.** So I searched for recipes online for
raw beet salad and sweet potato gnocchi. Remind me to write a blog post
about yearning and gnocchi.
 |
| Trader Joes Eggplant Hummus is DELICIOUS |
Tip
5: Look at times when you are amenable to eating raw fruit or veggies. I love pears
and coffee. I wouldn't know that except I had a pear once and black
coffee and I thought, oh my god this is delicious. I find that balanced,
ripe, juicy fruit is soul-satisfying in a way that competes with
desires of the flesh. Something in my brain is like delicious peach =
delicious person. I eat a lot of fruit. YAY INTROVERSION.***
I
also like to eat in the car, especially after I work out. I don't know
why, but after burning so many calories, fruit just seems DELICIOUS and I
don't get woozy or exhausted on my drive. Fruit keeps me alert enough
to sing for 2 hours or write for 2 hours or color in my notebooks with
crayons for 2 hours. I'll even eat a bland apple if I'm in the car.** I'll hate it, but what else is there to do? Drive, munch. Shrug.
They to eat something more caloric, maybe with more protein after a workout, but ugh, EFFORT.** Fruit is convenient food! It comes in its own packaging!**
I hope this helps, Joanne! Go forth and eat more fruits and veggies and LIVE HEALTHFULLY FOREVER!
Love,
Hug Monster
**Metaphor for my love life.
***Not a metaphor. This is real.
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