Love Note

Dear Joanne and Jenny, 

That is all.

Love,

Shelly

Gnocchi and Yearning

Dear Jenny and Joanne,

People know when you don't believe in yourself. Even if it's not a conscious thing, they pick up on it. They put you into a box that says "less capable," "less intelligent," or "less astute". Building confidence becomes impossible. Our instinct is to build confidence from without, from what other people say about us, but what they see may not be what is true. 

I have had desperately low self confidence for a long time now. I'm only starting to get it back. Maybe it's part of being female and constantly worrying about how people perceive me. When my ex called me fat, I said, "Let's go on a diet," instead of "Fuck you, asshole." I put up with it so long that I wonder if I'm making up some of the bad stuff that has happened to me. Who would put up with that bullshit? Why did no one say anything? Am I crazy?

Don't answer that.

I used to have dinner parties with my friends who worked in tech offices. My ex would come, too. At first, it was super fun, but over time, it became apparent that I didn't belong. They talked for hours about stuff they'd read on the internet, bosses and meetings and costs of cars and rentals. Of course I found it boring!  I was translating Madama Butterfly! I stayed home to learn the entire score once while they went out for drinks. I never heard, "Wow you work so hard," just, "Oh that's just the way Shelly is. It's fine, we just talked about stuff you're not interested in anyway."

Every time we all got together, the unsaid judgment in the room was, "You're just a secretary, what could you possibly add to this conversation?" Well, fine. I'm just a secretary. What could I possibly add to this conversation? Without bitterness or anger, I placed myself in the kitchen, taking over for my friends who preferred mundane conversation to executing a delicious meal.

I felt that cooking was the only form of art I could create that my ex boyfriend and friends could truly appreciate.

How fucked up is that?

There is a lot of pain contained in the margins of my cookbooks.  I cooked to feel useful. To feel attractive. To feel loved.

Gnocchi hurts. It is a recipe filled with all of my regrets. The first time I made it, I was living with my ex. He had no interest in doing any housework or cooking or anything. I was looking for ways to get him more involved, so I found a simple recipe. He got bored and walked away within 5 minutes and, for the most part, I was alone in the kitchen, kneading. It was 9:00 pm before we ate. I started at 7:00 pm.

How about that one time, I was making store-bought gnocchi at a friend's house. The container said 8 minutes, but I knew that they would be done in 15 minutes, nearly double the time. She told me just to do what was on the box. I didn't want to fight so I told her that I knew how to make them from scratch. "Good for you, she said. You're so domestic." Her voice rang with something that sounded like respect. I placed my anger and resentment at her into a deep and dark place and hoped they'd never come up again.

Pro tip: NEVER stuff your feelings. They always come back to bite you in the ass. You'll be looking at a potato in a grocery store wondering what to make with it and suddenly, you start crying and you have no clue why. Potatoes are just SAD, okay, guys?

I'm a big believer in hair of the dog (except with alcohol. Gatorade, bitches). If it hurts me to make gnocchi, then goddamnit, I will make it until there isn't any regret left in it and it's just a dish full of carbs and love.

Someday, soon, I will make a bowl of gnocchi for the two of you. Even if it broke my heart to make it, when I hand you a bowl, I am saying, "Here are some carbs that I squished together with my hands and put into a delicious sauce just for you." Carbs + hands + sauce = love. (lol love sauce.... ewww....)

Love Note

Dear Joanne,

You are hilarious.

Never forget that.

How [Not] to Kill Plants (Metaphor For My Love Life)

Dear Joanne,

How I keep plants alive:

Step 1: Buy plants that don't need much attention.

Step 2: Don't give the plants much attention.

There's a plant in my bedroom with black, shriveled leaves on one side. I thought, "That's not normal."** I realized it was right next to my kettle and that I had the spout of the kettle pointing to the plant. I accidentally cooked the leaves on one side of the plant. Whoops.

For the record I've had this plant for years. Her name is Lucy. She's a peace lily. I have another peace lily named Violet and then another vine plant with no name but I can basically drown it and it stays alive. Maybe I'll name that one Joanne. Hopefully its steadfastness will be a kind of plant karma to you.

On second thought, kill the plants.

Eat them. Let their verdant souls fortify your conquering spirit.**

Healthy eating is barbed with discomfort.** Veggies don't seem so great. When we eat them, we become hungry again for something just as or more caloric than our original option. Our huge, hungry brains are programmed to see plants as less desirable than cookies.

What do you do with that?

Everyone is comparing notes, looking at structures and solutions to eat perfectly all day every day. The best, they say, is three square meals. Or is it 6 small meals? Snacks at no more than a hundred calories? Put peanut butter on rice cakes it's so filling! Oh my god what a great idea! (um. no.)

I am mother fucking 28 years old. I have shit to do. I know my eating habits, I know how bad they are, and I know my routines. I need a diet that works with my life.**

Coworker brought me a doughnut!!!

How do I eat?  My body likes to eat the most caloric things in the morning and at lunch.** This is where you'll catch me eating 4 cookies. After 5, I hardly eat anything, just fruit, veggies. I basically go gluten-free vegan after 5 on weeknights. It sucks, but I get really bad indigestion if I eat too late.**

Other considerations: I work out a lot and I find that I'm not eating enough (accidental weight loss is a THING?!?!?!?!) and certainly not well enough to power my body through all the rigors I put it through. I don't go grocery shopping a lot and I don't want to make time to cook a nice, big dinner.**

In summary: I don't know what I'm doing.** I've never been athletic before, so there's this whole world of body and fuel that I'm only learning now.** My normal personality is to do tons of research and go all-in (like when I cut hydrogenated oil, palm oil, and refined flours or the time I went vegetarian), but again, I am mother-fucking 28. I am not new at dieting or eating. So why do I need to trust someone else's opinion? Some of the stuff beautiful gym babes and hard core runners post is...absurd. I can't live that way. It's bad enough I suck down chia seeds in my water in the morning (calcium! good fats!) or that I eat a pound of fruit after I run (SUGAR, vitamins).

I've managed to survive into my old age by learning to just to listen to my body.** I tend to crave foods I need badly.** For example, last month I was severely lacking in electrolytes. I saw bags of chips in the grocery store and thought, "Oh my god, yes."** So I bought a bag of salt and vinegar kettle chips and damn near ate the whole thing. I don't usually crave chips, so that was weird. I noticed that had been getting nausea and headaches after drinking water, and I remembered a runner friend telling me to salt the water I drink during long runs, so I drank a couple sodas (yuck) and when I decided that was horrible, I just added salt to my drinks. That was weird. But it worked. Salt your watermelon juice, kids. It's delicious.

watermelon plus salt plus blender

HOW TO EAT MORE VEGGIES

Tip 1: Let your body adjust to eating more plants! Your body doesn't know right away how to digest what you're putting into it. That's why you feel empty an hour after you eat a salad.** You can go hard, eat nothing but veggies and fruit and suffer for 2 days. Or you can just start adding veggies/fruit to your normal diet.

Repeat after me: "I'm sorry to hear about your flatulence."

Tip 2: Start small. "I will buy 10 vegetables and make a delicious salad!"

LOL. No, I won't. That's too much commitment.**

I have vegetable soup in my fridge right now. I'm not sure how/when I'll eat it. I have to think of it as chunky tomato juice or something. Maybe I'll add vodka and Worcester sauce and attack with celery stick.

Looks meh, tastes good**

The entire jar of soup is less than 500 calories. I can eat it all in one sitting.

I'm tired of eating now, I don't want to do it, you can't make me!**

Maybe that's how I accidentally lost 5 pounds.

Tip 3: Look for the most delicious veggies and fruits. If you are excited over the freshness and beauty of something, you're more likely to eat it.** Look for them in season. Bland, out-of-season fruit is NASTAY.** They often look better than in-season fruit, so watch out for beautiful, bland fruit!** I think bland fruit is a crime against humanity.

Tip 4: Think of ways to make fruit/veggies appetizing. This takes a lot of searching. Like I LOVE roasted beets and sweet potatoes, but I don't like waiting for them to roast.** So I searched for recipes online for raw beet salad and sweet potato gnocchi. Remind me to write a blog post about yearning and gnocchi.

Trader Joes Eggplant Hummus is DELICIOUS

Tip 5: Look at times when you are amenable to eating raw fruit or veggies. I love pears and coffee. I wouldn't know that except I had a pear once and black coffee and I thought, oh my god this is delicious. I find that balanced, ripe, juicy fruit is soul-satisfying in a way that competes with desires of the flesh. Something in my brain is like delicious peach = delicious person. I eat a lot of fruit. YAY INTROVERSION.***

I also like to eat in the car, especially after I work out. I don't know why, but after burning so many calories, fruit just seems DELICIOUS and I don't get woozy or exhausted on my drive. Fruit keeps me alert enough to sing for 2 hours or write for 2 hours or color in my notebooks with crayons for 2 hours. I'll even eat a bland apple if I'm in the car.**  I'll hate it, but what else is there to do? Drive, munch. Shrug.

They to eat something more caloric, maybe with more protein after a workout, but ugh, EFFORT.** Fruit is convenient food! It comes in its own packaging!**

I hope this helps, Joanne! Go forth and eat more fruits and veggies and LIVE HEALTHFULLY FOREVER!

Love,

Hug Monster

**Metaphor for my love life.

***Not a metaphor. This is real.