How to be a chickpea salad

Dear Joanne and Jenny (and Amanda),

My sister is thinking of becoming a vegetarian.  I did this, too, when I was her age, but not for morals concerning the treatment of animals or for health, like she is. I did it to keep my roommates from wanting to eat with me.

Judge me. I am awful.

That said, true friends stick with you despite all of your dietary restrictions and love you despite it.

Fun Lactose-intollerant Facts: Doritos have lactose in them, so if you eat them for dinner you will feel hungover for 3 days afterward. Oreos, however,  happen to be vegan, so should you eat those for dinner, you will be totally fine.

Why be a vegetarian?

Pros:

Veggies are good for you!

Vegetarian protein is slightly more shelf-stable, so if you're too lazy to buy meat whenever you're hungry (like me) it's GREAT.

You're forced to learn how to cook very quickly.

Veggies are fun!
Reduce your carbon footprint.

Cons:

Meat. substitutes. are. gross. period.

HOW TO TRANSFER FROM MEAT EATER TO NON-MEAT EATER:

1. What are your sources of carbohydrates? Proteins? Fats? Make a list.

2. What do you already eat that is vegetarian?  Make a list of your favorite vegetarian foods.

3. What seems gross to you? This can be a list of mushy veggies, cooked greens, meat substitutes

4. How much time do you want to dedicate to your diet? Do you want to cook all day? Do you want to not? Be realistic.

5. Look at what you've compiled. This is your baseline for navigating the world as a newly formed vegetarian. It can change whenever you feel, but for now, you won't be tempted to buy tons of vegan protein powder or make gross date bars. Unless you want to.

6. Research. Go to a good food blog like thekitchn.com or chow.com. If you see a recipe you like, look at where it came from or who wrote it. Go to blogs and posts written by these people. Find what sites you like and try out those recipes. 

7. Have fun with it! It's not a death sentence. It's a food project. Being vegetarian (even though it lasted all of six months) opened up my whole world to a different way to be and eat. I became a better and more creative cook for it. 

HOW TO NAVIGATE THE MEAT EATING WORLD:

1. If you get invited to someone's house, tell them you're a vegetarian. Don't be an asshole about it. Offer to bring your own food, even if they say they'll accommodate you. Some people (Mom) don't know what vegetarian means or will try to throw some veggie franks your way. Eww.

2. Don't let them hassle you or haggle with you. They will. "But you eat fish and chicken right?" "But you eat cheese?" "The only quality protein is animal protein." This has nothing to do with you. It has to do with what they think of food and whatever morals they place on the consumption of it. Your Duck Dynasty-watching uncle may think you're a left wing feminazi from now on. Be understanding and patient. It's a personal choice and a cause. Stick to your guns and, if you need to, agree to disagree.

3. Restaurants are a non-issue. There's vegetarian stuff everywhere.

CHICKPEA SALAD

I am incapable of taking decent photos of my food.
So here I am eating a chickpea sandwich. This is what happiness looks like.

Easy replacement for chicken/tuna/egg salad for snacks/lunch. Don't skip the ume plum vinegar! I mean, skip it. Who cares what I think. But you're missing out. That stuff is GREAT. I will post another recipe with it.

This doesn't look appetizing, but IT IS. EAT IT.

1 can of garbanzo beans

1/8-1/4 cup finely diced onion

1 tbsp whole grain mustard

2-5 tbsp mayo

1-2 tbsp ume plum vinegar

Salt to taste

1. Rinse the garbanzo beans.

2. Squish the beans. With a knife, with a spoon, or with your hands, make them less beany and more squished.

3. Add the onion. Whatever amount depending on your taste. You can also add celery, but I never have it around, because it goes bad

4. Add the mustard, mayo, plum vinegar and salt. Adjust the seasonings until it tastes the way you like.

5. Eat on toast, with crackers, with your fingers. It's delicious.