Gnocchi and Yearning

Dear Jenny and Joanne,

People know when you don't believe in yourself. Even if it's not a conscious thing, they pick up on it. They put you into a box that says "less capable," "less intelligent," or "less astute". Building confidence becomes impossible. Our instinct is to build confidence from without, from what other people say about us, but what they see may not be what is true. 

I have had desperately low self confidence for a long time now. I'm only starting to get it back. Maybe it's part of being female and constantly worrying about how people perceive me. When my ex called me fat, I said, "Let's go on a diet," instead of "Fuck you, asshole." I put up with it so long that I wonder if I'm making up some of the bad stuff that has happened to me. Who would put up with that bullshit? Why did no one say anything? Am I crazy?

Don't answer that.

I used to have dinner parties with my friends who worked in tech offices. My ex would come, too. At first, it was super fun, but over time, it became apparent that I didn't belong. They talked for hours about stuff they'd read on the internet, bosses and meetings and costs of cars and rentals. Of course I found it boring!  I was translating Madama Butterfly! I stayed home to learn the entire score once while they went out for drinks. I never heard, "Wow you work so hard," just, "Oh that's just the way Shelly is. It's fine, we just talked about stuff you're not interested in anyway."

Every time we all got together, the unsaid judgment in the room was, "You're just a secretary, what could you possibly add to this conversation?" Well, fine. I'm just a secretary. What could I possibly add to this conversation? Without bitterness or anger, I placed myself in the kitchen, taking over for my friends who preferred mundane conversation to executing a delicious meal.

I felt that cooking was the only form of art I could create that my ex boyfriend and friends could truly appreciate.

How fucked up is that?

There is a lot of pain contained in the margins of my cookbooks.  I cooked to feel useful. To feel attractive. To feel loved.

Gnocchi hurts. It is a recipe filled with all of my regrets. The first time I made it, I was living with my ex. He had no interest in doing any housework or cooking or anything. I was looking for ways to get him more involved, so I found a simple recipe. He got bored and walked away within 5 minutes and, for the most part, I was alone in the kitchen, kneading. It was 9:00 pm before we ate. I started at 7:00 pm.

How about that one time, I was making store-bought gnocchi at a friend's house. The container said 8 minutes, but I knew that they would be done in 15 minutes, nearly double the time. She told me just to do what was on the box. I didn't want to fight so I told her that I knew how to make them from scratch. "Good for you, she said. You're so domestic." Her voice rang with something that sounded like respect. I placed my anger and resentment at her into a deep and dark place and hoped they'd never come up again.

Pro tip: NEVER stuff your feelings. They always come back to bite you in the ass. You'll be looking at a potato in a grocery store wondering what to make with it and suddenly, you start crying and you have no clue why. Potatoes are just SAD, okay, guys?

I'm a big believer in hair of the dog (except with alcohol. Gatorade, bitches). If it hurts me to make gnocchi, then goddamnit, I will make it until there isn't any regret left in it and it's just a dish full of carbs and love.

Someday, soon, I will make a bowl of gnocchi for the two of you. Even if it broke my heart to make it, when I hand you a bowl, I am saying, "Here are some carbs that I squished together with my hands and put into a delicious sauce just for you." Carbs + hands + sauce = love. (lol love sauce.... ewww....)

Cook your potatoes somehow. Microwave? Oven? Laser vision?
Make your crunchy potatoes soft in whatever way you choose.
I've made gnocchi with all kinds of potatoes. Use what you have.

Mash your soft potatoes. Add a 1/2 tsp of salt for every cup of potato.
Or not. I forget sometimes. You'll salt the cooking water later, right?

Add a handful of flour to the potatoes,
mashing until the flour is incorporated.

Keep adding flour and mashing until
the dough is too stiff to mash anymore.

Move the dough to a floured surface.

The dough will be sticky.
Knead the dough, adding flour, handful by handful.
Until it becomes less sticky. Let it rest for a half hour before shaping.

Roll out the dough and cut into one-inch pieces.
Roll each piece into a ball or roll with a fork or shape into dinosaurs.

Always test a few, cooking 4-5 mins in salted, boiling water before committing to
freezing/cooking the whole batch. If not chewy enough, keep kneading.
If too chewy, start again. Knead less. Add less flour. Embrace the sticky dough.
Not physically. Unless you're into that.

I like my gnocchi more chewy than pillowy. That's why I add flour so gradually and knead it until it's not too sticky anymore. The kneading process develops the gluten in the flour, giving the gnocchi structure, even without the added protein of an egg that other recipes call for. It takes about a half hour of kneading and adding flour if you're slow and deliberate, like me. You can stop anytime during this process if you prefer less chew. Just use a lot of flour on your surfaces as you roll the pieces to keep them from sticking.

Fresh gnocchi takes 5-6 minutes to cook. Less, if you like yours pillowy and don't knead very long, more if they're frozen, 8-10 minutes.

Gnocchi just about to be frozen. Grease the plate. Once completely frozen,
give the plate 5 mins to thaw and the gnocchi should slide right off. Place in
freezer bag. I've never kept gnocchi more than 2 weeks frozen because it's delicious.
If you store it longer, let me know how it fares.