Wherein I divulge too many secrets

Dear Friend,

Last week we were discussing how we're going to get a farm and move in together and form a commune of best friendship because men are stupid and goats are awesome. This week you're all into Duolingo French. I see what time you were awake checking Whatsapp. What time zone's 6pm does that 4am time stamp correspond with? Looks rather French, n'est pas? 

Or how about you, Miss "He's coming over to watch movies and I'm wearing yoga pants so it's not a date and also maybe we'll look at houses on the internet and we'll like all the same ones and I'll joke about how we'll get married someday which totally isn't going to happen because we're just friends"? LOL. I'm with you, girl. In a creepy way. 

Oh hey, how's Romeo?

He texted this morning. He used a winky face.

Oh dude. That means you're totally going to get married

"I'm single. I go with friends. Do you has boyfriend?" He asks in broken English. 

Cute. 

"No, no boyfriend," I reply in broken Italian.

"You are pretty. How come no?"

I'm single because I've been cursed until the day someone dies for my love, but I'm on a ship that must sail for seven years before it can come ashore for only one day. You can't tell because this is a language-learning app, but I totally get wifi on this cursed ship. I've still got 5 years before that one day I can come ashore, and even then, someone has to die before my curse is broken. That's a lot of responsibility! It's easier to be single. I can't tell you because my Italian is awful.

"Because I like intelligent men. Do you know any?"

"ah ah! I am intelligente man. ;)" 

Oh dear.

You can stop playing that recording of Romeo saying, "Hello, Bonjour" now. Our hearts have all melted and now we have a huge puddle to clean up, and none of us even owns a mop.

I encouraged him to date and now he's telling me about girls he likes. 

At least you're being kind and supportive and not controlling and manipulative. 

Yea. 

Are you contemplating being controlling and manipulative?

A little.

I want a boyfriend and I want to go on a trip.

I'm not a boy but I can pretend.

I like trips. 

Hehe

Idk if you and I could travel well together. I would get on your nerves.

Yep.

But so would most people.

"Ciao, Buona sera. I wait for you to log on." 

"You could die waiting."

"Treasure!"

I bet you tell all the girls that.

I think Romeo has ghosted. 
Yea?
Yea. I haven't heard from him for two weeks. 
Yea. Sorry. :(
He couldn't even handle being just friends!


Remember when we couldn't care less about boys?
Dude. Let him go. He's not worth a sad thought.
It's not that.
I've given up on him. I'm sitting with the idea that I may never meet anyone.
It's...what if I will be alone forever? I don't trust any guy that likes me a lot. I'm fulfilling my own prophecy of singlehood. 

Yea. I'm in a state, too.

So how about that goat farm?

My Secret Borscht Recipe

The secret is that I make borscht sometimes.

1 pound beef. Stew meat if you have time. Ground beef if you don't.

2 medium-sized beets, peeled and chopped. I like big chunks of beet, so I cut thick slices.

1 medium onion diced

1/4 cabbage, shredded

6 cloves of garlic

3 tbsp corning spices in a strainer

Salt to taste

12 ounces of water

Chop everything, except the garlic because you're lazy. When your roommate walks by, show her the blood of the beet on your hands. Make a Lady Macbeth joke when she comments on how the stains will never wash off. Throw everything into a slow cooker or a rice cooker until the beef is tender. Whistle a little while you wash up the cutting board and throw away the scraps. Remove the spices sometime during the process, depending on when you feel the damage has been done.