Language is a means by which we are able to communicate our experiences to others, but in the same way we shape our language, language shapes our perception of the world.
I've changed my language around you. You don't know that I have. It's not a matter of walking on eggshells. It's a matter of growing with you and having you be part of my life. I won't give you examples. That's not the point. The point is that as of yesterday, we learned that SHOULD is my trigger word.
I used to use that word a lot. One day, I was complaining to a friend over coffee about how stressful my life was. My ex was complaining about how we couldn't move because I didn't want to and I was in the way of everything he wanted to do and that we couldn't do anything because my life and career were on the peninsula, but his was in the city. This wasn't true. I worked really hard to make sure he had everything he ever wanted or needed insofar as I thought reasonable. Eat healthier? I cooked. I packed lunches. Party in the city? I'd dress up and be designated driver. Or say, you go ahead. I have rehearsal. Drive safely.
I told her that he should do the work of finding an apartment and moving. I'd done it for us the last two times. I told her that there was no way I'd be able to live the life I wanted as a singer. That I should apply for programs, but that I wouldn't get into any of them and I was debating on holding off for another year until I could be better somehow. I told her that I should get a new job. And she told me to stop using the word "should".
I was annoyed that she'd ask me to change my vocabulary. It's just one word! And then I thought, she's really smart. She's done some amazing things out of nowhere that I haven't been able to wrap my head around. She's amazing. I trust her. So I tried it.
I honestly believe that by doing my best to remove that word from my vocabulary, I have been able to change my life.
I got angry with you for telling me I should post a recipe.
By telling me you expected it, you removed any choice I had in the matter. Did I think the recipe was good enough? I mean, I SET MY OVEN ON FIRE. Did I want to try something different? Maybe add coffee? Did I want to focus on writing my speech workshop and hold off on blog posts for a little while? You forced a request onto my plate that I did not want on there.
You took away my ability to give this to you freely and as a gift. A gift can only truly be a gift if I have a choice not to give it.
It doesn't seem like it matters that much. People say "should" all the time. "You should download this app." "You should come out with me." "We should catch up." "You should try this exercise program/diet." "We should have left earlier." "We should have tried to meet up." "We should have gone elsewhere."
And yea, it's annoying, but people are annoying. I guess I can live with all that.
The worst part is watching how you use that word on yourself.
Because you don't have to.
Think about it. Again, I don't care what words you feel you must use, but if you ever tell me I should do something, I will tell you to fuck off. With love.
Also, consider wearing blue lipstick (see illustration).
Coconut Caramels
This is a softer, sweeter version of one of my favorite treats from Guam.
1 cup coconut milk
1 cup sugar
pinch of salt
1 cup shaved, dry coconut (preferably unsweetened)
Dump sugar, salt, and coconut milk into a stainless steel pan. Do not mix. Just turn on the heat to medium and step away. After 10 minutes, the mixture should be a bubbly and syrupy. Turn the heat down. You don't want it to burn. You also don't want to buy a thermometer, because UGH WORK. But you're smart. You know how to test candy without a thermometer.
While you do this, put the shaved, dry coconut into a dry saute pan and toast on medium heat until nutty and golden brown. DO NOT do this under a broiler. You will set your oven on fire. Go ahead and try it. I'll wait.
When your dried coconut catches fire, do not remove the pan from the oven. Place a larger pan or bowl or something over the flaming coconut to snuff the flame. You can remove the pan once the flames are out and get rid of your coconut ashes.
When your bubbly coconut syrup has reached firm ball stage, remove it from the heat and stir in the toasted dry coconut.
To cool, spoon the mixture onto a greased baking sheet or onto parchment paper, if you happen to have it. I never do. When it cools down enough to hold its shape, use a knife to cut the caramel into bite-size pieces or a spoon to spoon the caramel into small squares of wax paper that you can twist into individual candies. Keep in an airtight container in the fridge or throw into the freezer.
Give to the guy you have had a crush on forever and also your friends in common and I guess anyone else between you and him so your affection for him is completely undetectable from how you treat everyone else, so he's never truly aware of the fact that you are so into him that one time, when he walked past and tossed his hair, you almost fell over, because you are a Tex Avery cartoon.
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